


bring me to the garden

by redledgers



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Biblical Allusions (Abrahamic Religions), Biblical Scripture References (Abrahamic Religions), Character Study, Existentialism, Gen, Introspection, POV Second Person, Post-Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 19:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21086858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redledgers/pseuds/redledgers
Summary: But you were a mother once, twice, many more times to quiet daughters who drew little more than a breath before you gave them a home in the soft earth.





	bring me to the garden

The words sit heavy in your heart, lodged between your ribs in a place you had forgotten even existed.  _ Thank you for Trixie. _ They repeat over and over like a drumbeat that keeps you awake even past the time Lucifer comes to bed, even after he tucks you against his shoulder and falls into the depths of slumber. You cannot find peace in sleep the way he can. You think you may never be able to again.  _ Thank you for Trixie. _

There were gunshots. _ And they had been your fault. _

But you were a mother once, twice, many more times to quiet daughters who drew little more than a breath before you gave them a home in the soft earth.

_ Thank you for Trixie, _ Chloe says, as if in that moment she knows what you have been through, as if she had been there the day Cain laid Abel at your feet and left you broken on your knees.  _ Thank you for Trixie, _ she says, as if none of this had been your fault to begin with, as if she was forgiving you for what you had done, and what you would do.

Oh how naive you have been, how willfully you have made yourself doe-eyed and innocent as if you could somehow reclaim the life you had lived, as if it were just paradise and there was nothing but hope in the beginning. When you were in the garden with him inside of you and Adam off somewhere praying. It has been too long since those days. It has been too long and he has changed,  _ you _ have changed, though your hair still smells of frankincense and he still looks at you like you have held the world in your hands.

Adam named you Eve like he named all the beasts of the Earth. You would not let him name your sons, your daughters, for they were not beasts. And neither were you. In the beginning, God created the Earth and all that inhabit it, and he said that it was good. He said that you were good. And you were, at first.

Then you fall.

You fall, you fall, you fall.

You wonder if this is what he felt like when he fell, because you have hurt so many people and all you ever wanted to do was to live, truly live, to reinvent yourself the way you have seen all the others do. To breathe life into yourself the way it was once breathed into you. But you have learned that your actions have consequences, your  _ pride _ has consequences, and in a single moment, that little girl’s life means more than your own.

And still you will blunder on, because you can’t see it yet, how your poison seeps through these people, this man, until it is too late and another little one is gone. Suddenly you are holding your firstborn in your arms, your  _ true _ firstborn, and your tears are staining the dirt of Eden until you have nothing left to give. 

You do not want to be who he thinks you are. You do not want to be who you think you are, not if it means you destroy everything you touch. You carve your heart from your chest and throw it at their feet, the only supplication you have left to give.  _ Let me help, _ you beg, and you do help because now you will protect her the way you have protected her daughter.

You never stopped being good. But you forgot how to be. So you stumble toward something, anything that can remind you what it feels like. And you will mold it from the depths of your being until you no longer hear the gunshots when you close your eyes, until you no longer find glee in the things that had stripped what little self you had from your core. Slowly, slowly you rebuild in the only way you know how: alone.

In the garden where Eden once lay, you whisper a prayer into the ancient earth from which you came and to which you will return.  _ Thank you for forgiveness.  _


End file.
